Somehow

Somehow, the words I say, seem to be always misunderstood...this is starting to bother me. Maybe I am just too much of a dramatic person, or maybe i worry for people...but when someone tells me they want to kill themselves I am going to take it seriously, my friends do not like that..and tell me that I need to keep it quiet, that they will figure it out..it will all be ok... I am stuck..atleast it feels that way currently, and you know..I am going to be reading Gods word, and getting into it seeing because Gods word says if we lack wisdom ASK ....and when we ask we recieve praise the lord....
        I am just overwhelmed I guess...I am not wise enough to help people out..that's what i feel like these days...my birthday is sunday

yeah im mad

Ok,
So I am going to point something out that maybe I just want to talk about because im frustrated beyond belief right now, or maybe I just want to talk about it...
 IF YOU ARE GOING TO ASK A FRIEND FOR ACCOUNTABILITY, AND YOU make them miss out on something fun so that you don't do something dumb...then that friend falls asleep wakes up and CATCHES YOU DOING SOMETHING DUMB...dont be surprised when they call you out on that thing, and they call you out on doing the right thing when you arent doing the right thing...
 I really...wow I want to blow up right now,  dont understand why and how people can be so stupid.. Don't talk to me about wanting to go into ministry when you are flipping sleeping in bed with another person....
hreghGHGFHakmfbhguewiqkdnbfhuikmsbh....those are my angry words that  I dont know how to deal with *Sigh*
Whatever...it doesn't matter because the rest of my day is going to be awesome...I am going to go surprise my mom for thanksgiving, and I am so excited for that :) ..... I am trying to listen to music that doesnt make me angry so i dont kill anyone :) ....Ok i wouldnt really kill anyone but i would make unwise choices so i probably shouldnt do that .....
..................Where are my friends when I need them -_- ...... I do not want to make choices that will really do me no good
*Sigh* its fine i will get over it
...Im going to go listen to some angry music now and let things go :)

The gospel

Was reminded of how important the gospel was this morning, Well, i guess it was more of a challange to remember just how important the gospel is, but it really is important and so often, I am bound to forget this..My heart does wonder just like that wonderful hymm says...Lord bound my wandering heart to you <3 ...I really am so sad sometimes that I forget or dont think about how wonderful the gospel is, and I realize thats why so often we fall short of what we know we love, we know we can do.. Because we dont love and thank the Lord for what He has done for us, we dont think that the gospel is anything of any importance anymore. Yes Yes, we think that the gospel is important because well thats how we got saved, but now how is it applicable to our lives right now? as we are walking, as we our living our Christian lives?
   The thing is the gospel IS part of our everydays...Its a daily reminder of how thankful I need to be for the God I have, the one who gave up everything. the fact that I KNOW I cannot do anything to either make the Lord love me more, or less...and I am so thankful for this at times, and yet at other times utterly frustrated..because I DO want to make God love me more sometimes, now that is just my foolishness getting in there, but wither or not its right...Its true..
I am so thankful for the fact we have reminders in our lives, that we can be off the track for a little bit and then we are reminded and God is like doop doop doop get back up there little buddy. I love that He doesn't let us go too far...and we have reminders, people who let us know whats going down, and then we are back up back moving...thank you for that Lord :)

o_0

Man,
This time in Maine has been continually intense, I know i havent written much, as i dont have a lap top with me currently, so it's a little difficult to make it happen at the moment. God has been so good to me though, and I really enjoy that. My friend Bekah's mom passed away on Halloween. while sad for us, a praise also because she is no longer hurting and she is with her savior..and that is an amazing thing all together.
    I really am enjoying being in Maine, While difficult, and at time frustrating I know God is going to do amazing things. I met a really cool girl named Amberlyn, and we are getting close! It's exciting to see what God is going to do in her life.
  We are not able to stay in the apartment that we are in now, so we are actually going to end up living with Amberlyn, which is really cool because we really get along together well, and bekah obviously gets along with her well because they have been friends longer then we have....lol
  I am going home to surprise my mom for thanksgiving and that is an amazing thing ....I am really excited to go home and see elijah, and see everyone..
          The new church that I have, is really awesome .....I love the pastor, and I love what God is doing. It's really hard for me to open up to people, but i know that God has something amazing planned and that it will work out :)
.......
 Im tired, and hungry all at the same time..I know you are glad to know it

life&death

its interesting how these two are so alike and so different.... I am living with my friend right now. her name is bekah and her mom is dying of lung cancer...at this very moment they arent even sure if she is going to make it through the night...I don't know what to do with myself because i dont think that i can handle being away, but going and being there is an even more scary thought to me...I know it is what i should be doing so i am going to go..and i am going to be with my friend regardless if she wants me right there with her or not..it needs to happen and i understand that..God is really laying it on my heart to be there with her and right now it sucks not being there...
   I am truthfully not sure why I am here, and why i have been here,...i am not sure whats going to happen when the mom dies and bekah and i dont have a place to live right away...I came to maine thinking God has me here to stay..but truthfully everything but being here with bekah has fallen apart so fast...my job, my test..being here having a place to live...when her mom dies bekah can no longer live in the house, and this is a scary thing for her i know it is....I feel so selfish, and think people think i am so selfish for thinking about these things but...its naturally going through my mind, and i cant just let it sit there...or i will go insane...
 so if i am selfish im sorry

Help me

I start work soon, I am not sure when...but I know it will probably be this next week, and I am so nervous, and excited all at the same time!! I know my facebook, and my other things say that I am a christian, I am a youth leader and I want to live up to that when I am working... It is such a hard thing to think about but I am excited to uphold it!

life

What a wonderful day I have had...man it has been so awesome just seeing what God has done in my friends and just seeing the way He has blessed me..it was very very cool to be able to get my hair cut before I go to Canada, and cool to go to the movies and enjoy some time with friends and it's been very wonderful to spend time w/ my friend matthew..lol that kid is so funny and I am so thankful for him..I am so excited for Canada, but sad to be saying goodbye to people for a while ... I really really..thankful for youth group, and the fact that i get to be there tomorrow. It's my last youth group with the kids and wow....I have seen these kids grow, and change..and I guess i cannot say kids any more. they are young adults...and God is teaching them so much and WOW is it ever cool to be able to see this ...
       Oh man I am watching the vampire diaries and it is killing me...I want to watch it all the time and I just can't stop..such a horrible beautiful story ...*shrugs* ...
   ANYWAY ...I am tired and...yeah just tired lol need to sleep but will i? eh probably not..just put some bleach in my hair that didnt work very well and it makes me so mad that it didnt but OoooOoH wells...
 

12 Days

In 12 days I will be leaving to go to Canada..*shakes head* It's unbelievable..God has made it possible..when no one else could have. He has taken the impossibilities..and made them possible..:) It is just blowing me away! Life hasn't been exactly easy waiting to get to Canada..and NOW it seems even longer..now that there is 12 days...It's like the 12days of Christmas :) LOL jk ..not exactly but lovely...

Memorial weekend

Well...it's been a crazy weekend that's for sure, and one i wont soon forget....Yesterday I went to lunch w/ my grandpa and his girlfriend, and my parents..then we went to my aunt and uncles to celebrate my mom and grandpas birthday. that was great. we really enjoyed it. Then we went to my grandmas and had dinner with my aunt and uncle and gramma. it was a good time, we went home late...and this morning i got up early to go to my grandpas flag dropping...ceremony i guess you would call it..It was put up one day then now 6months later done. my grandpas flag was in the middle..there was 3 and his wouldnt come down..ti was so funny to me that it wouldnt come down....i was laughing because thats the way my grandfather was He never did anything the easy way and he let it all go crazy...so it was a bit like him that it wouldnt come down :) I also watched the parade which was short but it was fun to watch. I hadn't been to main street in Lake placid for a while so it was good. After that I went to my grandmas and hung out a little bit, then took a much needed nap. when i woke up it was dinner time and we had burgers and just relaxed. I was able to talk to my gram and my aunt and uncle about what id be doing in Canada and how i wanted to live there and just ya know the excitment of it all..so it was cool to see the Lord just..using me to talk to them....
            I am tired and Elijah has put my mom to sleep so i should probably hold on to him :)

Counseling

Well..Looks like unless something weird/crazy happens..I will be going to counseling soon..which is good I would really..idk i mean want to def isn't the word but i know i need to..and that's the important thing! So i am going to call this person and see the soonest time that I can go in, and that I can talk to them...we shall see <3

the truth..sliced open

 So...i have been fighting it for a long time..but I think I am going to go to a counselor. I have talked to my friend Jenn about this multiple times and as much as it sucks and i wish i didn't have to...i feel as though now is the time that I need to figure things out in my life...I don't want to be stuck in self injury and i don't want to be stuck living a scared life filled with ....nervous...hatred of it..so I am excited to see this go forward if it can...and I really do want help...my friend doesn't think that I do and its hard because out of all the things in my life I really want to be closer to the Lord, I want to be more like the Lord then anything and it really sucks when I am being told I don't...
     So I emailed a NANC certified guy, and we shall see what happens. it's a long shot of course because I...don't live in Vermont, and I would probably never have a ride to vermont but...i know He is the only NANC certified person even a little close to me..so I am not sure what else to do about it..in my church they dont know what to do, so why even...*Shrugs* ugh anyway ...im re thinking a lot of things lately and thats hard to say but I am so we will see what happens ...

Early Morning...been awake for more then an hour....*shakes head* lol this boy is very much....crazy this a.m He is in a good enough mood but he is ready to just get going ya know? hmm...Today=1month b4 I go to Canada...I cannot believe the time is going by so fast...seriously...guys I will be in Canada in 1 month from now..I am freaking out a little bit inside...crazy to think..
 Man the Lord has supplied everything so wonderfully...*Shakes head* It is so amazing to me..isn't it crazy that I cannot believe the Lord sometimes heh..... The Lord has been so good to me and so often I still wonder if he is going to answer me when I pray..why when I know that He is so faithful... :) 
          I am excited to go to prayer tonight...It will be nice to get away from the house and all the responsibility if even for a little bit! Matthew is bringing me a present from my friend Kendra. she brought it for me from Canada...so whatever it is..is the most exciting thing it could be XD especially 1 month from Canada day (this is my official holiday) LOL 
   ANyWAY ....I better get back to Elijah before he lights something on fire...lol jk..He is sitting in his bouncer..currently ;) 

traitor?

I feel like a traitor lol..i Have not written on this blog in a while..I have a new one...and actually i havent written in that one in about a week maybe? ...idk but anyway...I am back and sorry for...ignoring you all (LOL) those who read this...all what 3 fo u? ANYWAY lol
 Life has been stressful lately, but honestly when isn't it...I find myself always tired and very discouraged. i have a hard time w/ my parents and my attitude has been so different lately...I HATE IT and I realize I am probably..no def trying to do it on my own without God. I have my nephew a LOT and I just....am so stressed with it sometimes. I am not a mom ya know? But I am being put in the roll as a mom and it's HARD ..props to young moms w/ no bf or husbands because dag I am..losing steam fast...it takes everything I have to make it through one day at a time..i love him i do but it is stressful dealing w/ a 9month old...
      I took my 5hr course this last saturday which was good! I didn't exactly enjoy it but when it was over i realized it was worth it because i learned more then I knew b4  :)
..WELL Elijah just fell asleep so i am going to take a nap so i can be awake and joyful like him ;)

Life so far

So...my life has been...well ya know *Shrugs* It's been a little bit frustrating lately..just being home so much....My dad recently found out that he has Diabetes and Has been drinking so much since he found out..it's more frustrating then I can explain....He is turning into his father and his father died...because He was an alcoholic. I don't want my dad turning into a vegetable and not ever having a free life again because..i just idk want to have a good relationship with him.it was supposed to be great but now heh...idk

xxxx

Frustration has been mine lately..I am done the b.i and i have been doing a whole lot of....WELL honestly nothng. I have been watching my nephew almost ALL the time, i've been sleeping when im not doing that or doing the Insanity work out. Which ROX btw....*Shakes head* it's been going ok..ya know but then my computer has been wacked out..it's been shutting off randomly...and then I got a new phone on friday i loved it..it was super great and I really enjoyed it well guess what surprise surprise...IT STOPPED WORKING too..which is ok because i wasn't going to call tonight to talk to verizon about it..and my dad got so pissed he decided hes going to turn it off...*Shrugs* we will see how that turns out its w/e...
the one thing that has been keeping me sane is church and youthgroup...I love working with the teens and i love being able to go to youthgroup and being able to see my friends...I just really do love it.
   I just really need encouragment...I love encouraging people but I am running low..and it doesn't get better when I am at home..not that my family is the worst ever...my brother has been encouraging me some..but idk i just feel a  bit lonely..

truth

Isn't it interesting...how life is once you do something you have never known.....I have been at the b.i for such a long time...and now I am done..I have graduated and I am ready for different things..its so interesting to me that everything is different now....I am living at home again..which I DISLIKE ok im not going to lie ...it's not easy but I know the Lord has a reason for it..hopefully soon i will be able to move out and get a job and all that good stuff :) I am free to do the things I want..well that arent part of wol rules..and yet at the same time I am just..ya know *shrugs* not free to do whatever I want because I still have the holy spirit and the word of God to know what I am to do and what I am not to do...it's been a good time at word of life and now I am seeng just how good it was. Don't get me wrong..I am glad to be able to say I graduated, that the Lord has helped me and  I made it when  never thought I would...but OH the Lord has different plans.....Thank you Lord for giving me the knowledge that you have..thank you for being the God who knows all even when I have no idea *Shakes head* It's interesting how people see you..how people perceive who you are :) and how you care or you dont...sometimes peoples words hurt..and sometimes you just laugh at the foolishness of the people..

So..i've been done the b.i for...a week now..o_0 and it is such an odd free feeling LOL...i know that the weeks are going to be hard but i am excited to see what happens...God has done so much for me already just keeping me safe...keeping me on the right track and i want to continue that...I want to live the life He has for me..not the life i want to live....

spending time w/ my christian friends has just been so good for me..i love them all so much :) I am excited to be able to be there friends forever. On a weird note..my hair looks REAL cute today and it makes me smile...lol i am smiling a lot lately with my friends...even though a week ago was one of the hardest days of my life...its better now <3

The past couple weeks

^_^

BOOM BABY

last week at word of life...this is insane to me..the fact that i have spent 3years here and now its finally coming to the end o_0 WOW intense intense..but exciting at the very same time because I know the Lord has something awesome coming up for me... :)

The Day We (not so)Kidnapped Kendra

CHOY...these last couple days lol I am telling...you i am going insane but all for a good purpose....We kidnapped Kendra for her birthday XD It worked PERFECTLY!!!!!! (ok that's a lie) perfect is not the word that i would use at all to describe wihat happened..in fact the words iw ould use are..messed up..ruined..crazy...frustrating and OH MY LIFE..but in the end it was wonderful and I killed Brian in halo ^_^ (best part in my mind) ....ANYWAY...so we have had this planned since b4 the weekend we were going to get brian to tell kendra he needs to talk to her..when monday rolled around we would go to some friends house and take kendra..by kidnapping her...WELL..this morning we wake up Brians at his moms and the car wont start...on top of that...we pick up brian with another car we are able to use and then Brian says he cant go..and OH!..i should mention the night before...The people we were going to their house told us they didnt live in pottserville anymore that they lived in Schroon lake and we were going to have to find it...lol..and then finally We got brian..and yes he said he culdnt go..oh my life i almost flipped..my heart was beating the stress OH! i wanted to punch him in the mouth..and then this girl comes and like rubs his cheek and im like WHAT THE CRAP i am going to kill you..but i didnt say anything because none of it would have been biblical...SooOOoOo...:-D ...Yeah in the end though Brian was able to come..he was a little late to do stuff at his moms house and his mom probably hates me a lot right now which sucks but its ok because it all got done andkendra loved it...in the end Brian just picked her up and put her in the trunk..and thats the funniest part of it because we had it all planned to sack her..and everything..Brian would pick her up *sigh* LOL! anyway we drove her in the trunk for a little bit and then we let her get out..Oh my word..i <3 my life sometimes sOoOo funny.....and so hecktic but i love my friends more then life......        So we got to their house and we started eating cake and cheese cake cause its Kendra's fav..and then Tony and Brian had a silly string fight..and then we played Halo reach and it was wonderful!! I killed Brian like 3x's and he told me only one was real...My heart broke a little but atleast I got one and thats so good....because usually..it would have been a looooot less.. ^_^ LOL .... ALSo...
            The shirts that I designed and got for everyone on the Maine trip came in which is really exciting!! I was so excited to get them..so now o_0...that I have written this of the amazing day that I have had I need to finish some school work that probably wont happen o_0... OY! OY OY!...

Why bother

Key word of this current blog is frustration..i hate the way people act sometime quite honestly it's so frustrating...I want to be a good friend and I love helping people and making them smile..but there are times when the frustration makes it seem like it's not even worth it..like last night he told me he broke my mug..then told me his roomates ruined his body wash...so i bought him body wash and then i told him..he called me a retard....it really hurt..like a lot..idk like it sucks sometimes i feel like we shouldnt be friends because he acts like its nothing important but then at other times i feel like we should because i dont want to give up so easy..of this goes on so often its pretty ridiculous most of the time im not going to lie

A week back

This week back has been..the most epic wonderful time of my life.. :) Ben came and spend the week While we started learning about snow camp! This week with Ben we had so much fun. It's always a good time when he comes out because we are good friends and we have to have a good time when we are with good friends

So well..we worked outside this week having a wonderful time getting ready for snow camp! getting ready for the tube hills, and the campers that will be here...>THIS WEEK...it's insane to even think about!! <3 <3

I personally love this picture..while we had a lot of stuff do do this week we also enjoyed some free time spending time together and enjoying our friendship!!...
this week was missions conference and oh my word..the Lord def used missions conference for me to be encouraged, convicted and just wanting to get out there and share the gospel. praise the Lord he will be working even when this emotional high dies..

2012

L-O-L it is going to be a good year <3